Lauren Mitchusson (FGCU): Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person.  An abuser does not “play fair.”  He or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you.  He or she may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.  Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.Something that many individuals misconstrue is the fact victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although women are among the most common to become victimized.  This abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships.  Except for the gender difference, domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate. It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels.  The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended. 

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior.  In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner. Reasons we know an abuser’s behaviors are not out anger and rage: 

• He/she does not batter/abuse other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the  waitress that spills a drink in his lap. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
• If you ask an abused woman/man, “can he/she stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?”  She/he will say “yes.”  Most often, when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she/he is the one who may look hysterical.  If he/she were truly “out of control” he/she would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
•  The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show.  If he were “out of control or in a rage,” he/she would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or where punches land.Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. 

 Spousal abuse is not always achieved through battery it can also come from dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, and denial and blame.  The effects of all of these instances leave the victim emotionally abused.  One isn’t worse than the other the both do equal damage and can lead to serious situations, such as death.There are many signs of an abusive relationship.  The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation begin to arise. 

Someone who believes they are experiencing an abusive relationship needs to ask themselves some questions, similar to the questions listed below.

If you ever feel afraid of your partner a majority of the time, avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner, feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner, believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated,  wonder if you’re the one who is crazy, or feel emotionally numb or helpless; you are probably a victim of domestic abuse. 

 If your partner humiliates, criticizes, or yells at you.  Treats you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see.  Ignores or puts down your opinions or accomplishments.  Blames you for his own abusive behavior.  Sees you as his/her property or as a sex object, rather than as a person, your partner is probably abusive.

Domestic abuse is very hard on the victim.  If you ever feel like your partner does anything to you listed above I strongly advise you to end the relationship and seek help.  Although, this might be hard it will benefit you in the long run, it could even save your life.

This entry was posted on 1. April 2009 at 21:20 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.