Cynthia Buchan (Edison) Totally Lost!?!?!

13. March 2009 by student.

I’ve been engaged twice; once when I was 16 and again when I was 20. The first time was what I thought was going to be the rest of my life with this man and I was truely happy… until he decided that making a better life for ourselves required him to join the military; Army Infantry to be exact. Some time after he had graduated boot camp and was stationed in Texas, considering that I was alone, in high school, and very young I couldn’t wait for him. So I guess the fall out was essentially my idea but in some ways now that I think about it I kind of regret it. I loved him and I still do! But I’m not really IN love with him as strongly as I used to be. Him and I have recently crossed paths some almost 5 years later and he has made it very clear to me that he is still very much in love with me. I’ve techniquely moved on since we’ve last had our stint many years ago. In the mean time over the last month I’ve been “dating” this guy that I met at school and he’s awsome, a total sweet heart but doesn’t seem as though he’s really all that into me. I’m trying and we do hang out alot but it’s just not there, we’ve only known each other for just over a month so I really can’t say much.

On the other hand I’ve recently come home from the military that didn’t really work out for me. I ended up with an entry-level discharge so really I’m lost as to where I go from here. I am scheduled to graduate from college in December of this year with two associates degrees but what’s after that? Where do I go from there? Do I continue my education which would techniquely be free due to my scholarship, do I try to re-enlist maybe the Marines this time, or do I move to another state get a job meet some awsome dreamy guy get married and live the rest of my life as it may become? I am just so lost as to where I’m supposed to be going and what I’m supposed to be making out of myself! I have a little bit of time before the everything comes down to the wire and I’m forced to do something or nothing. So I guess I can relax a little about it? I guess I’m just ranting really rather than making a point, but if I can even attempt to make such a point it would be that though I’ve been through so many different situations and realities of life I still haven’t really grasped true life, reality and the genuine meaning of two people (homosexual/heterosexual) coming together and spending the rest of their lives together. I have talked about this delima with a few of my close friends and the one explaination that two of them inadvertantly advised me of was; some people both male and female are born to be single and that not everyone has a soul mate!!! I don’t want to believe it but as time goes by and more things tend to fail and fall away I’m starting to think maybe I’m one of those unique people?

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